What to expect during your US visits

I realized a bit ago that I kinda skipped over the basics of what I go through. Today I wanted to talk more about my normal  weekly ultra sound visits for those who are new to the visits or who have never gone!

1. Your first visit might consist of blood work. This is normal, but in my case didn’t go past that. I have heard of some women having to get weekly blood work, thankfully I didn’t have to.
2. They will be vaginal ultrasounds. This was a huge shock my first one. When I heard ultrasound I envisioned the normal ultrasound on your stomach. So imagine my surprise when she told me to undress from the waist down!! I had no clue it was going to be a vaginal ultrasound! (there is a funny article written by another blogger who thought she was getting a vaginal ultrasound, so she undressed. Turns out it was just a stomach ultrasound! I cannot find the link but when I do it will be shared!)
3. Once you’ve been a couple times, they will only take 5 minutes. For my appointments, they measure the lining of my uterus, then measure the follicles on my ovaries. That’s it!! The nurses are very quick and it will take you longer to get there than the actual time you will spend in the office.
4. Most offices will require payment up front. This was surprising to me, as with most doctor’s they can bill you. For each ultrasound I go in for (at least 1 a week) it costs me $120 up front. This is not a cheap life you’ve just began!

That’s pretty much it!! They are quick and easy. Even the insemination’s don’t take more than 5 minutes.

A few things I do to make the visits more comfortable include slip on shoes and yoga pants/leggings. While I wish I could say I only wear the leggings and Sperry’s for visits, its really an everyday thing. Seriously who enjoys wearing real pants?! Socks are a must too. I don’t know why, but putting my feet in the air on those cold things always weirds me out. Plus, your doctor is right by your feet. They already have to see your hooha, do you really want them to smell your feet too?

Well that’s all folks!!! If you have any funny stories or questions about visits please comment below! I would love to hear from you!

Random Thoughts

We recently had an influx of piglets being born. This type of event is both stressful and wonderful at the same time. The stress of taking care of each little piglet and ensuring they have everything they need is surpassed by the attachment I form with each one.

Getting attached is something I try to avoid. On top of leaving my current job soon, you just never know what is going to happen.

Regardless, I do whatever I can to make sure each and every piglet has the best chance of survival.

We recently had a sow farrow only 1 piglet. This can sometimes mean mom isnt getting stimulated enough, and won’t product enough milk. Unfortunately, this is what happened.

 

Today I took my own time, to spend my own money getting milk replacer for this piglet. I have spent all week trying to get the piglet to nurse, but to no avail. This means hours hunched over in a crate with a very unhappy mama and a sore Hannah.

I have spent days hunched over like this. Today as I leave work, I am covered in milk replacer. I smell like a sour malt shop and I was pooped on by the piglet.

It’s times like these, I want to scream at the world “Do  you see how good of a mother I would be!? When will it be my turn?!”

Where the f#%! is my stork?!

If you have ever gone through infertility, you just know. You know before you take the tests. Before you pee on a stick. Before the bloodwork. You know it didn’t work. Even though you know, you still hold out that small glimmer of hope that your wrong, and that your HCG levels WILL increase an unreal amount over night. But then the next morning,  you take your test, and its negative- then you destroy it and leave your bathroom looking like a wild animal was locked in there.

We had our second round of IUI on December 7. We knew then that this would either be the best Christmas or the worst. It turns out this is one of our worse. 4 days before Christmas, we found out that yet another cycle had failed and I am not pregnant. While I had a gut feeling it didn’t work early on, it doesn’t make it any easier. The crying doesn’t stop, and the endless dread that I might never be a mother eats at me.

Only God knows if I will ever be blessed enough to be a mother, but for now we keep trudging on and saving up for the next round of treatments. I just can’t help but wonder…Where the F#!$ is my stork?!

Thank you Thank you Thank you!!

Two posts in 1 day–it’s a miracle!!

This one, I wanted to do special. One thing that always bothered me about infertility is the quiet stigma around it. No one talks about it. No one thinks about it. The word infertility is the “he who shall not be named” of the muggle world. Anyone who knows me, knows I am not a quiet person- I talk A LOT and I am loud. I vowed to be no different about this issue than anything else in my life.

Part of attempting to be LOUD about my infertility was taking to Facebook. If people can post about their kids, why can’t I post about my lack of them? I was nervous, and afraid of being judged, but what happened was something I never could have imagined.

Thanks to my posts, I have an overwhelming amount of love and support from friends and family. I have learned about other people and their struggles. Learned that just because you think you are alone, doesn’t mean there aren’t 10 other people waiting to watch over you.

So from the bottom of my heart, I thank each and every one of you for your continuous love and support.

 

IUI Numero Dos

It amazes me how when you are going through infertility, time passes so ridiculously fast and slow at the same time. If felt like just last week I had my first IUI, and now yesterday we had our second. Maybe its because there is less to do with the second compared to the first? Im not sure, but I do know that I am yet again enduring the Two Week Wait.

This round was a little different than the first. My period started on its own, but like the last round I needed 2 rounds of Clomid to get my ovaries really going. I’m convinced my body is simply getting used to the Clomid and just isn’t responding like it used to (I guess that happens after over a year on a medicine?)

Unlike last time, the husband was actually able to come to my appointment!!! I had 2 eggs ready, and his numbers were amazing (80% motility and 14 million live ones. They want at least 50% and 3 million.)

I have a renewed hope for success this round compared to the last few months of this process. Maybe its because I’ve just finally lost my marbles? Either way, I have hope.
Last month, my ready ovaries were on the right side-this month its the left. Maybe I’m a lucky lefty?
I was also contacted by my old job, and they want me back (yay!) however this job is back home, over an hour away from the doctors office (but only 5 minutes from home. I drive 1.5 hours to work everyday.) So here’s my crazy lady rationale “God would not have presented me with the opportunity to work closer to home if he did not have a plan that included me not having to go to the doctors office every week.” Surely if it wasn’t supposed to work this time, he wouldn’t have taken me farther away?

While it will be another 2 weeks before we get the results, I am hanging on to a glimmer of hope that this will be the end of our struggle.

Not Giving Up

As many of you know, our first round of IUI was not a success. It was heartbreaking, but we have had a few victories since then.

After finally convincing the nurses that I needed Provera, my period started on its own. Yay!!! This has only happened twice in the last year and a half, so this is big. Our second victory is that the CC Ultrasound went great today!!! According to the tech, I have “lots of little baby eggs!” Which is great news!

She did, however, call me out on not sticking to my carb free/paleo diet. While this journey is emotionally exhausting, the paleo is one of the hardest things!!! I did so well eating paleo for about 2 weeks… I lost 8  pounds!!! Then  a bad weekend hit, and I haven’t eaten paleo since then.
Its not that I don’t want to, but I love food so much!!!!

After calling me out on my obvious lack of self control, she told (once again) that I really needed to stick with it. It would make the Clomid work better and increase my chances of pregnancy. As hard and unmotivated as I am, I have enough things not working correctly, I don’t need to sabotage myself! So back on the paleo it is.

 

Do you have any favorite paleo recipes?! How do you stick to it?!

 

❤ Hannah

 

 

 

IUI Didn’t work… now what?!

Well, the countdown has ended and it was time for the results… and they were a BFN (Big Fat Negative.)

3 tests later and my world came crashing down, once again. I couldn’t believe it. This was supposed to work! The stars were aligned, pigs were flying, I had ovulated, I was on Progesterone, and everything was perfect. but it still didn’t work.

My breasts are sore and sensitive…but I’m still not pregnant

I have dealt of weeks of nauseousness and sickness from the trigger shot and progesterone… but I’m still not pregnant

I have had horrible, vivid dreams…but I’m still not pregnant.

Just the smell of certain foods I used to love, now send me running to the bathroom… but I’m still not pregnant.

I have had hot flashes comparable to the heat of the sun… but I’m still not pregnant.

The morning was spent crying in the arms of my sweet, sweet husband. I have no idea what I would do without that man. That poor man who has no clue how I am feeling or how to make it all better. Who tries his hardest to be positive, even when I have lost all faith. He is my rock.

Something that has been bothering me from the start of our process is that I never tried other methods. I have never been one to jump on every fad I see. I see temperature charts plastered all over Pinterest and wonder how I even go about starting that! I had always trusted my doctors with knowing when the time was right. Weekly to daily ultrasounds and blood work would keep track of my ovulating and hormone levels, so why would I have to?

I decided we would not try the temperatures, but I HAVE decided to go Full On Crazy Infertility Lady. My list for the week already includes detox bath, yoga daily, this weird “soft cup” thing that is supposed to be for periods, but have been shown to increase pregnancy chances?,ABSOLUTELY STICKING TO THE DIET, and essential oils (when i can afford to buy them….$60?! WHY!) I have chosen to stick to the cheaper fads for now (seeing as all my money goes towards ultrasounds… On a side notes, those stupid ultrasounds irritate me more than anything! Working with pigs, we have to ultrasound for many reasons. I have spent 4+ years watching my supervisor ultrasound pigs. Give me the wand, and I will just do it myself and save some dam money!)

Without skipping a beat, my doctor has me back on Provera to start my cycle, and we start the exhausting process all over again. Our only hope, is that this time the Lord has it in his will to allow us this blessing ❤

What To Do…when your best friend is pregnant

Nothing is more annoying than seeing a million baby announcements surrounding you everyday…through text messages, Facebook, Instagram-there is no escaping them. While they are painful enough, nothing ever prepares you to hear a best friend or close family member is pregnant.

Q and I have been trying to get pregnant since August of 2014. Without going into too many details, my best friend J and her husband decided to start trying as well. We dubbed it “Conception in Punta Cana” as they were going on vacation. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was the worst, most unsupportive friend. Instead of words of encouragement, I often chimed in with comments like “Don’t be upset if it doesn’t work the first time” and “Don’t get your hopes up.” I was the worst friend ever.

In my head, I was trying to save her from the enormous disappointment of a negative pregnancy test. I have become all too familiar with this feeling, and the last thing I wanted was my best friend to go through that same feeling.

Two weeks after getting back from her trip, she found out she was pregnant- and I was devastated. I instantly burst into tears upon her telling my friends and I. WHY did she get so lucky?! HOW in the world could she get pregnant on her first try and we had been trying so hard for so long? I was a wreck, and cried for almost a week straight. I couldn’t understand why she got to be pregnant and I didn’t, and I felt horrible for being such an unsupportive friend throughout the entire process- why couldn’t I  be happy for her?!

The first few weeks were rough for me, but what hit me hardest was that SHE felt bad. She was supposed to be excited and happy and instead, she felt bad for me. I realize this was all my fault due to the breakdown I had in front of her after finding out. I separated myself from her and our group of friends. I left our chat group (our main line of communication) and simply cried for days. Instead of being a supportive friend happy for her, I was mad, jealous, upset, and depressed.

I knew that had to stop, and ended up diving head first into major baby mode. We send each other articles on pregnancy and birth, talk about what our nursery’s are going to look like, and support each other through everything.

Recently we planned a girls night and scheduled pedicures and an ice cream date. Honestly, I was a nervous wreck. How would I react to seeing her so pregnant?! I was so happy for her and completely in love with her child already, but there was still a small pang of jealousy. As it turns out, there was no reason to be jealous. I was so happy to feel her belly and see her so happy being 6+ months pregnant.

That night I realized its not about who gets pregnant first or who gets pregnant the easiest. She will always be there for me no matter what. I plan on spoiling this child to the ends of the earth.

So here are my 5 tips that helped me.

1. Get over it. I know- this one is harsh. But she is your friend, and you should be happy for her. I know this is one of the hardest things to do, but I promise it WILL get easier.
2. Be supportive, even when it is hard. After all, she just found out shes pregnant. She will be equally excited and terrified at the same time.
3. Schedule friend dates. Spend time together doing things you both like to do. This will help keep your mind off of it and still keep your friendship close.
4. For me, diving headfirst into her baby world helped me cope with it. I was kind of living through her, per say. I scoured Pinterest for articles I thought she would like, for adorable baby clothes, and inspiration for the nursery. I didn’t want to be labeled as the crazy lady overloading her Pinterest with baby things she might not ever get to put into use, but knowing I was doing it to “help” J made me rationalize it a little bit…
5. Don’t be afraid to go to her with problems. After first finding out I was scared to go to her for support on my negative issues, afraid that it would make her feel bad. That was probably one of the dumbest ideas I had. She wants to help, and separating yourself from her will only  put a strain on the relationship.

I realize this was a book, sorry about that 🙂

What are some tips you found to deal with this?!

The Two Week Wait

Today was IUI day!!!!

This was our first round of IUI and I think I am more skeptical and nervous than anything. This morning was supposed to start out relaxed and good, but like all things in my life it definitely did not!

At wok, we have a pit system that carries away all the waste from the pigs. This pit needs to be drained and refilled 3x a week. Unfortunately today, a pig fell into the pig. It is only 3 feet deep and there was no water in it, so the pig was not harmed. However the pig was kind enough to fall in at 9:15—15 minutes before I had to leave for my IUI appointment! I am the supervisor of the building and aside from my manager stopping in a couple times a week, the only one in the entire building. After catching the rogue pig, I realized I had no way to get her out of the pit myself- she was just too fat!

After frantically calling my boss and anyone I could think of, i finally got help. Help arived 15 minutes before my appointment! We finally caught her and got her back in her pen and I made it to my appointment 5 minutes late (oops.)

Just when I thought the drama was over, it wasnt. The hubby had his appointment at 8:30 that morning (mine was at 10) so I knew he would still be on his way to work while I was on my way to the appointment. I called and called and called but no answer! Of course, my mind went straight to him being in a wreck!!! I FINALLY got ahold of him-but not until I was already half naked waiting for the doctor!!

After a stressful morning of crying and lots of waiting, the doctor did the procedure and in a matter of 30 seconds it was all over. After 15 minutes of waiting I could leave and go about my business (what I really wanted to do was just go home, but off to work I went!) I have another appointment for tomorrow to make sure everything we have done up to this point is correct, then 2 weeks from today is testing day!

Now starts the TWW (two week wait.)

Any tips on how to survive?!

Never thought we’d get here!

So much good news today!!

I am down 7 pounds! That, to me, is amazing-especially considering my diet this past week has included french toast, tacos, and ice cream… my major weakness!

With it being a dreary and rainy halloween, I didn’t want to wear my jeans and riding boots…. who likes wet jeans?! Not this girl! Yes I know, a long story about pants. Im getting there. I have a pair of jeans that I had just tried on 3 weeks ago and couldn’t button… I was hesitant, but thought I would try it anyway. Lo and behold they FIT!! I was so excited! So off to our ultrasound appointment I went!

On the way there I was almost in tears… what if my ovaries didn’t do what they were supposed to do?!

Thank the Lord my ovaries did what they were supposed to! A follicle on my right ovary was at 22cm… the perfect size! My doctor got almost as excited as we did and immediately scheduled my appointment for Monday!

I even got to go home with a goodie bag… of drugs! They gave me 2 needles and the actual medicine to inject.

Needles make me VERY nervous. Working with pigs, part of my job is to give them medicine when they need it. These often involve very large needles (16 gauge) to get the medicine in, and a tad amount of force to get it through their bough skin

NOTE: My description of this may offend some people. Nowadays, everyone is antibiotic free. That is your opinion, and that is fine. Please keep your negative comments to yourself!

Because of my experience with pigs, I always imagine the shots I get to be the same. The needles they gave me are a little long, but small at 25g! This gets injected tonight and the insemination is Monday! F

For now, all we can do is keep our fingers crossed and hope it takes on Monday! Keep us in your prayers!